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This is the world's first dictionary of
computer terms to tell you the REAL
meaning of the industry jargon!
Acknowledgements to Bruce Tonkin, whose
article in the December issue of
Computer People Monthly this dictionary
is based on.
Expanded and corrected by Duncan Lilly
and Dammon Butler.
Advanced: (adj.) Doesn't work yet, but
it's pretty close.
Analyst: (n.) One who writes programs
and doesn't trust them. A cynic.
Assembler: (n.) A minor program of
interest only to obsessed programmers.
BASIC: (n.) A computer one-word
oxymoron.
BBS: (n.) A system for connecting
computers and exchanging gossip, facts
and uninformed speculation under false
names.
Benchmark: (n.) A test written
ostensibly to compare hardware or
software, but actually used by
manufacturers to misinterpret or quote
out of context in advertisements.
Binary: (n.) A two-valued logic
especially susceptible to glitches and
bugs. It originated as a way of
counting on the thumbs, since
programming managers usually find
fingers far too confusing. See:
HEXADECIMAL, OCTAL.
Bug: (n.) Any program feature not yet
described to the marketing department.
Bus: (n.) A connector you plug money
into, something like a slot-machine.
Byte: (n.) Eight bits, or one dollar (
in 1950s terms). Currently worth two
-tenths of a cent and falling fast.
C: (n.) The language following A and
B. The world still awaits D. By Z it
may be acceptable for general use.
Chip: (n.) A stylised picture of a
logic diagram on refined and alloyed
sand.
COBOL: (n.) An old computer language,
designed to be read but not run.
Unfortunately, it is often run anyway.
Code: (n.) A means of concealing bugs
favoured by programmers
(v.) The process of concealing bugs by
programmers.
Computer: (n.) A box containing chips
and other electronic devices. Capable
of taking and destroying data at
enormous speeds, returning only cryptic
messages as it does so.
Cookie: (n.) Any recondite message
displayed by a time-sharing system. The
message is not often seen, because it
only appears when the system is
operating correctly. Common cookies
include the timeless "Murphy was an
optomist " and " When in danger, or in
doubt,run in circles,scream and shout".
Copy Protection: (n.) A means of
circumventing various legal rights so
as to artificially inflate profits.
CPU: (n.) Acronym for Central Purging
Unit. A device which discards or
distorts the data sent to it, sometimes
returning more data and sometimes
merely overheating.
Crash: (v.) To terminate a program in
the usual manner,i.e. by locking up the
computer or causing the printer to
produce reams of rubbish.
(n.) The process of such termination.
Data: (n.) Raw information, especially
that supplied to the central purging
unit for transformation and disposal.
Database-Manager: (n.) Any fast filing
system which gives false or misleading
answers.
Dedicated: (adj.) Will only do what it
wants to - not what you want it to do.
Diagnostic: (n.) A test foolishly but
often believed to determine the reason
for a particular faliure. Competent
professionals prefer I Ching or
phrenology.
Digital: (adj.) Of or pertaining to
the fingers, especially to counting on
them. See: BINARY, HEXADECIMAL, OCTAL.
Documentation: (n.) A novel sold with
software, designed to entertain the
operator during episodes of bugs or
glitches.
DOS: (n.) Acronym (Defunct Operating
System). A program which outputs
questions given answers, putting users
into jeopardy.
Down-time: (adj.) Said of networks,
that period during which the network is
useless - caused by external incidents
such as lost keys and moths in the file
server. Said of stand-alone computers,
any period of time during which the
equipment cannot be used constructively
(i.e. normality).
Emulate: (v.) To simulate hardware
glitches with software bugs.
Emulator: (n.) A program which
emulates. See: VIRTUAL.
Engineer: (v.) To build something with
bugs (software) or glitches (hardware).
(n.) One who engineers.
Format: (v.) To erase irrevocably and
unintentionally.
(n.) The process of such erasure.
Forth: (n.) A stack-oriented
programming language written right to
left and read from bottom to top. It
runs efficiently on no common computers
and is written effectively by no common
programmers.
FORTRAN: (n.) An ancient programming
language which changed IF's to GOTO's
by using a strange three-valued logic
on binary computers.
Glitch: (n.) An undocumented design
feature, especially of hardware.
GOTO: (n.) An efficient and general
way of controlling a program, much
despised by academics and others whose
brains have been ruined by over-
exposure to Pascal. See: Pascal.
Hard Disk: (n.) A rapidly spinning
platter divided into sectors. See:
Sector.
Hardware: (n.) Anything prone to
physical faliure.
Head: (n.) The part of a disk drive
which detects sectors and decides which
of the two possible values to return:
'Lose a turn' or 'Bankrupt'.
Hexadecimal: (adj.) Of or referring to
base-sixteen numbers - binary numbers
grouped four digits at a time so as to
quadruple the opportunity for bugs.
Originated as a means of counting on
the fingers of one hand, using the
thumb for the 'carry'. Purists who dont
like to use the thumb at all prefer
octal. See: OCTAL, BINARY.
Increment: (v.) To increase by one,
except when segments are used; then the
increase may be by sixteen unless word
mode addressing is used in which case
the increase is by one or two,
depending on the processor and whether
the address is on an even boundary or
such an increase causes an overflow
exception processor fault, which may
either cause the program to crash or
decrease by a large number instead of
increase, depending on the register
used and the operation being attempted.
Iterate: (v.) To repeat an action for
a potentially, and often actually,
infinite number of times. See:
ITERATE.
Joystick: (n.) A device essential for
performing business tasks and training
excercises. Especially favoured by
space pilots, tank commanders, medieval
warlords and planetary rulers.
K(ilo): (n., adj.) A binary thousand,
which isn't a decimal thousand or even
really a binary thousand (which is
eight), but is the binary number
closest to a decimal thousand. This has
proven so completely confusing that it
has become a standard.
Kernal: (n.) A mis-spelling of kernel
used by beginner (functionally illit-
erate) programmers, especially those
with some knowledge of C.
Kernel: (n.) The core of of a program,
i.e. the source of all errors. Thus the
common mis-spelling, 'kernal'.
Keyboard: (n.) A device used by
programmers to write software for a
mouse or joystick, and by operators for
playing games such as 'word processing'
Kludge: (v., adj.) To fix a program in
the usual way.
Leading Edge: (n., adj.) Anything
which uses advanced (dodgy) technology.
See: ADVANCED.
License: (n.) A covenant which tells
the buyer that nothing has been
purchased and that no refund, support,
advice, or instruction may be
anticipated and that no resale is
permitted. A modern way of saying
"Thanks for all your money and
goodbye". Far less crude than "Stick
'em up!" but even more effective since
the purchaser will often borrow the
funds requested.
Logic: (n.) A system of determining
truth or falsehood, implication or
exclusion, by means of a sort of binary
oneiromancy.
Loop: (n., v.) 1) A series of
instructions to be iterated. 2) The
process of iterating them. Most loops
are unintentional and can be quite
droll.
Macro: (n.) A series of keystrokes
used to simulate a missing but
essential command.
Megabyte: (n.) More storage than you
can comprehend and less than you'll
need. See: UNIX
Megahertz: (n.) A way of measuring how
well your computer matches the
frequency of your local television
channels. Most computers perform
exceptionally well on this test,
especially the higher-quality foreign-
made ones.
Menu: (n.) Any list of choices, each
of which is either unsatisfactory or in
some fashion contradictory.
Micro-: (prefix) Anything both very
small and very expensive.
Modem: (n., v.) A device used to
connect computers and sending data
between computers, especially for those
unwilling to speak. See: BBS
Monitor: (n.) A sort of television
limited to one very local station.
Motherboard: (n.) The hardware version
of the software 'kernel'.
Mouse: (n.) An input device used by
management to force computer users to
keep at least a part of their desks
clean.
Nano-: (prefix) A thousandth of a
thousandth, but not a binary thousandth
in either case. Decimal is used for
all very small measurements since no
further confusion is nescessary.
Octal: (n.) A base-eight counting
system designed so that one hand may
count upon the fingers of the other.
Thumbs are not used, and the index
finger is reserved for the carry.
Offset: (n.) A method which permits
access to any memory location in
thousands of ways, each of which
appears different but is not. Used with
segments.
Operator: (n.) 1) One who has no
experience with computers
2) Any beginner, especially one part of
whose salary is paid in soft drinks and
processed, salted food treated with
dangerous and illegal drugs or
preservatives. Differs from a
programmer in that a programmer will
often take the dangerous and illegal
drugs or preservatives directly.
Pascal: (n.) A classroom project which
was released before it could be graded
-probably a good idea, considering. One
wishes the University had had a better
system of academic controls.
Patch: (v.) To fix a program by
changing bytes according to the rules
of logic (a kludge).
(n.) Any repair of this form.
Pirate: (v., n.) To steal software, or
one who is such a thief. True pirates
see nothing wrong with thievery, having
sucessfully forgotten or repressed all
moral values.
Pop: (v.) To remove from an area of
memory naively thought to be the stack
in a futile attempt to keep the program
running.
Portable: (adj.) That which can be
physically moved more than one hundred
yards by an unaided olympic athlete
without permanent damage to that
individual more then 50% of the time.
Printer: (n.) A small box attached to
a computer designed to make as much
noise as possible and to light fires in
cold weather.
Procedure: (n.) A method of performing
a program sub-task in an inefficient
way by extensively using the stack
instead of a GOTO. See: PASCAL, C.
Processor: (n.) A devce for converting
sense into nonsense at the speed of
electricity or (rarely) the reverse.
Program: (n.) That which manipulates
symbols rapidly with unforeseen
results. Also a bug's way of
perpetuating bugs.
Programmer: (n.) 1) One who writes
programs and trusts them. An optomist.
2) Any employee who needs neither food
nor sleep but exists on large
quantities of caffine, sucrose,
nicotine and machine-vended pres-
ervatives thinly disguised as
foodstuffs.
Programming Language: (n.) A shorthand
way of describing a series of bugs to a
computer or a programmer.
Prompt: (n.) A computer request for a
random operator error. Also a game
where the computer plays the part of
Vanna White and the operator, a
contestant. There are no prizes for
winning.
Push: (v.) To put into an area of
memory belived to be the stack for the
ostensible purpose of later retrieval.
Tonkin's Rule: In any program there are
always more 'pushes' than 'pops'.
Quantum Leap: (adj.) Literally,to move
by the smallest amount theoretically
possible. In advertising, to move by
the largest leap imaginable (in the
mind of the advertiser). There is no
contradiction.
Recursion: (n.) A programming method
which tests the limits of available
memory in an iterative way using the
stack. When the program fails, all
memory has been used. Memorise this
definition, then See: RECURSION.
Register: (n.) A part of the central
purging unit used to distort or destroy
incoming data according to arbitrary
rules.
Relational: (adj.) Purchased from, or
sold to, blood kin. See: TRUE
RELATIONAL
Sector: (n.) A disc arc on which is
inscribed 'Lose a turn' or 'Bankrupt'.
Segment: (n.) A way of restricting or
complicating access to memory in an
attempt to break a programmer's will to
live. Outlawed by the R.S.P.C.A. and
the U.N. but still practised in some
backward areas of the world. See:OFFSET
Software: (n.) Anything other than
hardware. That which hardware manufact-
urers can blame for physical faliures.
Sort: (v.) To order a list of data in
such a way as to destroy all relation-
ship between the items.
(n.) The process which accomplishes
this, especially if it takes a very
long time.
Source Code: (n.) A record of a
programmer's thought for a period of
time. A stream-of-conciousness novel
or short story.
Speech sythesizer: (n.) A highly
advanced piece of electronic hardware
which produces speech of a quality
closely resembling that spoken by a man
with serious laryngitis who is being
slowly strangled.
Spreadsheet: (n.) A way of forcing
repeatable answers from insufficient
data for superficial purposes. Also, a
game played during office hours by
bored or restless yuppies.
Sprite: (n.) A small, movable graphic
which is difficult to produce, never
looks as intended and moves in the
opposite direction to that desired.
Stack: (n.) Any area of memory which
grows and eventually destroys both code
and data.
(v.) To place data in such an area.
Standard: (n., adj.) A design target
which manufacturers may embellish,
improve upon, or ignore as they wish,
so long as it can be used profitably in
their advertising.
Transportable: (adj.) Said of software
- that which can be put on a new
machine in less time than it took to
write in the first place. Said of
hardware - that which can theoretically
be moved more than ten feet in one
minute by some combination of machinery
and/or explosives. The meanings are
equivalent.
Truly Relational: (adj.) Relational,
but where the paterinty is indubitable.
TSR: (n.) Acronym for Terminate and
Stay Resident. A way of turning a
useless computer with plenty of memory
into a useless computer with no memory
at all.
Turbo-: (prefix) Computer software
which uses air under pressure (supplied
by a special fan) to theoretically
improve it's performance.
User-Friendly: (adj.) Trivialised,
slow, incapable and boring.
UNIX: (n.) An operating system which
needs more memory than you have and
runs more slowly than you can bear.
(v.) To UNIX: to grossly enlarge and
slow down out of all proportion
especially by using C.
User: (n.) One who knows from
experience that programs cannot be
trusted. A realist.
Vendor: (n.) A manufacturers lackey.
Virtual: (adj.) Emulated.
See: EMULATE.
Warranty: (n.) A list of vendor's
promises with carefully worded
exceptions which cancel out each of the
promises in turn. See: LICENSE.
Windowing: (n., adj.) A way of making
a large and easily-read display into
many small, cluttered and confusing
ones.
Word Processor: (n.) A program which
turns a `2,000 computer into a `80
typewriter. A computer game for
beginner operators.
WORM: (n.) Acronym for Write Once,
Read Mangled. Used to describe the
normal functioning of a computer disc
of the latest design.
XYZZX: (n.) A common user input.
Yarrow: (n.) A kind of sticks used by
computer technicians when performing
the ritual of I Ching.
See: DIAGNOSTICS.
Zaxxon: (n.) A sophisticated
simulation and design program used by
the brightest programmers to test the
consistency of internal logic and
memory. Management prefers to use games
such as 'spreadsheet' for the same
purpose.