LUNCH, THE HP WAY
This is a war story of a different
kind. No melting CPUs, screaming disk
drives, just the kind of psychological
torture that scars a man for life.
I had a 9 a.m. meeting with my sales
rep. I needed to buy an entire Series
70 -- the works. He said it'd take
about an hour. Three hours later, we
we'd barely gotten the datacomm
hardware down on paper and he invited
me downstairs for lunch.
This was my first experience in an
HP cafeteria. Above the service
counter was a menu that began:
MMUs (Main Meal Units)
00010A Burger. Includes sesame-seed
bun. Must order condiments 00110A
separately.
001 Delete seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.
00020A Double cheeseburger,
preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun,
and condiments.
001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replace second patty with extra
cheese.
00021A Burger upgrade to double
cheeseburger.
001 From single burger.
002 From double burger.
003 Return credit for bun.
00220A Burger bundle. Includes
00010A, 00210A, and 00310A.
001 Substitute root beer 00311A for
cola 00310A.
My eyes glazed over. I asked for a
burger and a root beer. The waitress
looked at me as if I were an alien.
"How would you like to order that,
sir?"
"Quickly, if possible. Can't I just
order a sandwich and a drink?"
"No, sir. All our service here is
menu-driven. Now what would you like?"
I scanned the menu. "How big is the
00010 burger?"
"The patty is rated at eight bites."
"Well, how about the rest of it?"
"I don't have the specs on that,
sir, but I think it's a bit more."
"Eight bites is too small. Give me
the double burger upgrade."
My sales rep interrupted. "No, you
want the single burger option 002
'expands burger to two patties'. The
double burger upgrade would give you
two burgers."
"But you could get return credit on
the extra bun," the waitress chimed in,
trying to be helpful, "although it
isn't documented."
I looked around to see if anybody
was staring at me. A couple stood in
line behind us and I recognized one of
them -- the guy who nearly mowed me
down in the parking lot with his
cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking
to a woman who was waving her arms
around and looking very excited.
"What if... we marketed the bacon
cheeseburger with the vegetable option
and without the burger and cheese?
It'd be a BLT!"
The woman charged off in the
direction of the telephone, running
steeplechase over tables and chairs.
My waitress tried to get my attention
again.
"Have you decided, sir?"
"Yeah, give me the double burger --
excuse me, I mean the 00020A with
option 001. I want everything on it."
She put me down for the condiment
expansion kit, that included
mayonnaise, mustard, and pickles with
an option to substitute relish.
"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want
ketchup on that, too."
"That's not a condiment, sir, it's a
tomato product."
My sales rep butted in again.
"That's not a supported configuration."
"What now?" I kept my voice steady.
"Too juicy. The bun can't handle
it."
"Look, forget the ketchup, just put
some lettuce and tomatoes on it."
The waitress backed away from the
counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but that
isn't supported either. The bun can
take it, but the burger won't fit in
the box."
"Ah, but it will." The sales rep
defended himself. "Just not at first
release."
"It is being beta-tested, sir."
I checked the overhead screen.
Fries, number 00210A, option 110,
French, followed by option 120,
English.
I turned on the sales rep. "What
the hell are English fries?"
"Chips, they call them. We sell a
lot of them."
I gave up. "OK, OK, just give me a
plain, vanilla, burger bundle."
This confused the waitress
profoundly. "Sir, vanilla as an option
is configured only for series 00450
milkshakes."
My sales rep chuckled. "No, ma'am,
he just wants a standard 00220A, off
the shelf."
I wondered how long it had been on
the shelf. I didn't ask.
"Very good, sir." The waitress
breathed a sigh of relief. "Your meal
is now on order. Now how would you
like it supported?"
"Support?" She directed me to the
green shaded area at the bottom of the
menu, and I began a litany with my
sales rep that I'll never forget.
"Implementation assistance?"
"You get a waiter."
"Implementation analysis?"
"You tell him how hungry you are,
and he tells you what to eat."
"Response Center support?"
"He brings it to your table."
"Extended materials?"
"You get refills."
I thrust some money at the waitress
and told her to take it. She gave me
my bill -- three sheets of green-bar
paper. I studied it on the way to my
table, and decided it'd pass as an
emergency napkin.
Table? My sales rep had been bright
enough to order us a table. He hadn't
been bright enough to check on a
delivery date. The tablewaiter in the
corner surveyed the crowded room,
looked at me, and said "two weeks. But
I can get you a standalone chair by the
window right away."
I handed him the tray. A woman
rushed up to me with two cups of chili
and sauerkraut for the hot dog someone
else had ordered. The room began to
grow dim, my eyesight faded...
I woke up clutching the waterglass
at my bedside table. It was 5 a.m.,
four hours till my meeting with HP. I
had had a vision. I did what it told
me to do. I dialed my office and
called in sick.
Stephen Harrison and Noel Magee
(Taken from 'Users Forum' section of
"Interact" magazine)