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To: K3B & 999 From: K7C I am the computer widow of Alan(K7C) but had to submit a reply to Paul's 'chemical analysis of a woman' entry. I found it very amusing, but felt it necessary to return what I think is an equally amusing analysis of man. I spent a few hours pondering the idea and felt dog-training was the closest comparison to living with a man. Hope you like it! IS YOUR MAN MONGREL PEDIGREE ? Owners guide to check your hound has reached his full potential Rules for training 1. Ensure Dog is attentive during all training sessions. 2. Remember to speak slowly and clearly. 3. Repeat instructions several times to ensure all the information has been absorbed. 4. Do not expect obvious results overnight - allow at least 3 months for a change in the pattern of behaviour. (For some unexplained reason it appears that the simpler the task, the harder it is for Dog to comprehend what is expected of him.) 5. Some pups may have received inadequate toilet-training early in life and may require gentle guidance in areas such as lowering the seat and more consideration to directional aim (eyesight test may be required). Training in this area should be restricted to verbal reasoning as full demonstration is not possible. 6. The area of complete house-training is complex and will necessitate a dogmatic approach (no pun intended!). Take each task separately and ensure complete obedience before moving on to the next. Please note praise is required continually if success is to be acheived. 7. As the owner of a dog you must ensure total control at all times. Once these rules are well established in your household you may move into other areas of training suited to your own individual requirements. If training proves difficult these positive reasons for keeping a dog may lift your spirits :- a) He should respond lovingly to affection, particularly if well fed. NB. Verbal affection will do but physical expression is especially noted to produce obedient behaviour. b) At completion of training he will be a friendly, reliable creature. Mating During mating season, which on average occurs 2-3 times a week(?), Dog will nuzzle up to you at most inconvenient times such as whilst cooking, washing-up or indeed during your favourite T.V. programme. If intimate contact is appreciated please be aware that once copulation is complete Dog is likely to roll over and play dead for a minimum of two hours. If at present you do not have the pleasure of owning a dog but are considering it for the future, here follows some vital guidance: 1) Removal from mother before he's ready guarantees future problems. 2) Be wary of dogs with thinning fur - could be due to fleas, nervous disposition, ageing, or if notably absent from the rear it could be due to worms. If this is so contact a vet who will give advice on tablets, diet, and any further treatment required. Remember ENJOY YOUR DOG he has potential as a loving companion.    