For those who suffered Sep's Tale in issue 41 here is a further bulletin,
but first I have to follow the instructions laid down by the court.
BY ORDER OF THE SUMMARY COURT: A NOTICE MUST BE DISPLAYED PRIOR TO
PUBLICATION OF ANY REPORTS BY Septimus Hawkins THAT SUCH REPORTS ARE WORKS
OF FICTION AND ARE IN NO WAY TO BE READ AS FACTUAL.
Before going on to the court case, let me answer a few of the queries I
have so far received; what appears to be the first thing that comes to mind is
how one coped with the toilet facilities, or lack of same. I fear that there is
only one way to explain: to those who have travelled to the far east suffice to
say 'an eastern bog', to the rest I must be crude and outline a toilet with no
pedestal but a keyhole shaped receptacle in the floor. In conversational
replies the next question is.' But there is no water'; quite so, but the very
finely pulverised rock from the tunnel boring acts quicker than silver sand,
and to forestall the next query, it is possible, nay, necessary to partake of a
bath or pseudo shower forthwith! Here one is talking of a cross between a dust
bath (like hens) and sandblasting, this is more effective and less painful than
one would imagine: if you recall the inhabitants are fur covered so hygiene is
of the utmost importance to them, and frequently carried out.
Having satisfied the curiosity in waste disposal the lack of something to
drink is broached: this is not easy to convey (the idea that is, not the
water!), a relatively thin layer of ice still surrounds the poles and by
tunnels this is collected. As ice it is a solid, but cannot be taken to the
warmer regions before melting. Now you must cast your mind back to the earlier
report wherein we met the helical device capable of controlling the molecular
bonding. Of course we all know the when water freezes it expands, under the
influence of the helix it contracts and is not subject to the effects of
changes in temperature, so yet another problem is solved. There is one other
source of water, this a recycling process carried out by a type of fungi:
before you split your sides laughing at this let me refer you to an earthbound
fungus that has wrecked many houses. Technically known as Merulius Lachrymans
it gathers moisture from the air and is so able to survive in hostile
conditions. The Martian equivalent is edible and forms a major part of the
diet. The previously mentioned ant-like beings tend vast areas of this and
other fungi, the waste disposal and recycling is far in advance of any ideas at
present being considered by us, in fact nothing organic bypasses the composting
process and ultimately the growing fields.
As editor of this saga I will give a brief outline of the proceedings:
Sep had not been able to go to his home as he was confined to the mental
hospital, I was asked to check up, and found that his aunt had died not long
after Sep had gone missing, also 6 Eton Place had been swallowed up by an M.25.
slip road. Further enquiries gave the same answer for the office of Major ,Key,
and Faucett, solicitors to Sep, and no trace of the firm could be found.
I now set about the task of finding a solicitor to straighten out this
mess. Six different firms were approached, each of which were unhappy about
representing an inmate of a mental institution, and would only take on an
investigation if I were to put up a bond on my own recognition. The sum
mentioned varied between £1,000 and £15,000. On leaving one office a telephone
number was passed in a handshake by the chief clerk. This led me to an
American who was trying to set up in business in this country, he soon had
assessed the situation and suggested that Sep be consulted along the following
lines: first as he (Sep.) would not be considered suitable to administer the
estate; I should be sworn in as his attorney and granted letters of
administration; second; Mr.Bienwell (the Solicitor) would undertake the
commission on terms as common in the U.S. i.e. no win no pay, but one third of
all assets recovered to be the agreed fee. This was accepted as a sound
proposition and Comfrey was asked to proceed. Mr. Bienwell told us that his
name was German and meant leg heal in a literal sense, but Comfrey in modern
idiom,(Comfrey is an English herb); he preferred the nickname to his given
Because of D.O.R.A. (Defence Of the Realm Act) and the sensitivity of the
Mars story, we were granted a hearing in camera before three judges. Comfrey
had chased up the relevant departments that were instrumental in the compulsory
purchase of 6 Eton Place, and the distribution of the contents of the said
I am limited in the amount that can be disclosed regarding the hearing; of
the three judges only one seemed to have an interest in the background story.
Judgement in respect of the property, contents, and all monies apertaining to
the estate were to be transferred to a trust fund in favour of Sep. The
veracity of Sep's tale came in for extensive debate. At length the judge (who
was not outright anti) sought more details directly of Sep, who was visibly
stressed at this point and eventually said " I will tell you even if it kills
me". Judge "Just take your time". Sep, "There is no time- read this!"
His Honour accepted the paper and as he read his face showed signs of
extreme puzzlement until he put the paper to one side and asked,"Do you really
"That women are abducted and subjected to these indignities, in fact ,are
the object of medical experiments."
"YessssSSS...." At this point Sep collapsed with waving arms and legs, and
with blood literally pouring from his nose. A doctor on hand had great
difficulty in restraining the flailing limbs, and within a few minutes
declared that it was too late to attempt any form of resuscitation. The hearing
was adjourned until an inquest had been held. The verdict being that death was
due to a brain haemorrhage of a severity not previously recorded.
At a brief meeting some time later, the court findings were delivered to
Comfrey and me, the ban on claiming these accounts to be true were issued, and
the trust fund was apportioned according to Sep's wishes made to Comfrey in
writing. For the curious - I netted £117,000, while Comfrey's share amounted to
The last word: the judge told me in private, that the paper had indicated
that if certain facts were ever told Sep would die.
Now - what is your opinion?