This is not the original Humour file that I put on this disc. I removed it just
a couple of days before the issue date. The reason being that the original file
had also been submitted to Solinet. I discovered this only when Ron Marshall of
Solinet sent me his latest disc. As Solinet and 8BS share a number of members,
I decided that it would be better to scrape up something fresh.
Chris Richardson. Editor 8BS.
Taken from 680+ BB 01482 222303
Here's a lengthy one. It was written by a guy called Crawford Howard
who's a fitter in Harland & Wolfs shipyard in Belfast.
The Diagonal Steam Trap
Now they built a big ship down in Harland's
She was made for to sell to the Turks
And they called on the Yard's chief designer
To design all the engines and works.
Now finally the engines was ready
And they screwed in the very last part
An' yer man says "Let's see how she runs lads"
An' Bejesus! the thing wouldn't start!
So they pushed and they worked and they footered
An' the engineers' faces got red
The designer he stood lookin stupid
An' scratchin' the back o' his head
But while they were fiddlin' and workin'
Up danders oul' Jimmy Dalzell
He'd worked twenty years in the "Island" <--- (The "Island"
And ten in the "Aircraft" aswell is Belfast
slang for the
So he pushed and he worked and he muttered Shipyard)
Till he got himself through till the front
And he has a good look roun' the engine
An' he gives a few mutters and grunts,
And then he looks up at the Gaffer
An' says he, "Mr. Smith d'ye know?
They've left out the Diagonal Steam Trap!
How the hell d'ye think it could go?"
Now the engineer eyed the designer
The designer he looks at the "hat" <--- "hat" = foreman)
An' they whispered the one to the other
"Diagonal Steam Trap? What's that?"
But the Gaffer, he wouldn't admit like
To not knowin' what this was about
So he says "Right enough, we were stupid!"
The Diagonal Steam Trap's left out.
Now in the meantime oul' Jimmy had scarpered
away down to throw in his boord <---- finish work
And the Gaffer comes up and says "Jimmy!
D'ye think we could have a wee word"
"Ye see that Diagonal Steam Trap?
I know it's left out, it's bad luck,
But the engine shop's terrible busy
D'ye think ye could knock us one up?"
Now oul' Jimmy was laughin' his scone off.
He'd made it all up for a gag
He'd seen what was stoppin' the engine,
The feed-pipe was blocked with a rag!
But he sticks the oul' hands in the pockets
An' he says "Aye, I'll give yez a han',
I'll knock yez one up in the mornin'
An' the whole bloody thing'll be grand!"
So oul' Jim starts to work the next mornin'
To make what he calls a "Steam Trap"
An oul' box an' a few bits of tubing
And a steam guage stuck up on the top
An' he welds it all on till the engine
An' he says to the wonderin' mob
"As long as that guage is at zero,
The Steam Trap is doin' its job."
The he pulls the rag outa the feed pipe
An' he gives the oul' engine a try
An' Bejesus! she goes like the clappers
An' oul' jimmy remarks "That's her now"
Now the ship was the fastest seen ever,
So they sent her away till the Turks
But they Told them "That Steam Trap's a secret
We're the only ones knows how it works."
But the Turks they could not keep their mouths shut
An' soon the whole story got roun'
An' the Russians got quite interested,
Them boys has their ear till the groun'
So they sent a spy dressed as a sailor
To take photies of Jimmys Steam Trap
And they got them all back ti the Kremlin
And they stood roun' to look at the snaps.
Then the heas spy says "Mr Kosygin!
I'm damned if I see how that works"
So they sent him straight off to Siberia
And they bought the whole ship from the Turks
When they found the Steam Trap was a cod like
They couldn't admit they'd been had
So they built a big factory in Moscow
To start makin' Steam Traps like mad.
Now Kosygin rings up Mr Nixon
And he says "Youzeuns thinks yez are great!
But wi' our big new Russian-made Steam Trap
Yez'll find we have got yez all beat!"
Now oul' Nixon, he nearly went Harpic
So he thought he'd give Harlands a call
And he dialled the engine shop number
Of course he got sweet bugger all.
At last the call came through to Jimmy
In the midst of a terrible hush
"There's a call for ye here from the "White House"
Says oul' Jim "That's a shop in Portrush"
There's a factory outside of Seattle
Where they're turnin' out Steam Traps lik hell
It employs twenty-five thousand workers
And the head of it - Jimmy Dalzell
========================================================================
Famous Quotes
The most disastrous predictions of all time. Compiled from Q
Magazine, for your entertainment.
"You will never amount to very much": A Munich schoolmaster to
Albert Einstein, aged 10.
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...": The last
wordsof General John Sedgewick at the Battle of Spotsylvania
1864.
"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way
out": Decca Records turning down The Beatles in 1962 (They were
turned down by Pye, Columbia and HMV)!
"Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical and
insignificant, if not utterly impossible": Simon Newcomb
(1835-1909). The first flight by the Wright Brothers 18 months
later did not affect his opinion.
"Stanley Matthews lacks the big match temperament. He will never
hold down a regular first team place in top class soccer": signed
football writer when Matthews, the future captain of England,
made his debut at the age of 17.
"Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character
with our extraordinary gifted English artist, Mr Rippingille":
hn Hunt (1775-1848).
"Rail travel at high speeds is not possible, because passengers
unable to breathe would die of asphyxia": Dionysys Lardner
(1793-1859), professor of natural philosophy and astronomy at
University College, London.
"Far too noisy, my dear Mozart. Far too many notes": peror
Ferdinand after the first performance of The Marriage Of Figaro.
"The energy produced by breaking down the atom is a very poor
kind of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the
transformation of these
atoms is talking moonshine": Ernest Rutherford (1871-1937) after
the first splitting of the atom.
"Animals, which move, have limbs and muscles. The earth does not
have limbs
and muscles; therefore it does not move": Scipio Chiaramonti.
SYSOP - The Last Tango Amiga BBS
... "Please Insert Disk 4.99999999345" - Installing Windows on a Pentium.
---
Lady Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I should flavour your coffee
with poison.
Churchill: Madam, if I were your husband I should drink it.
"From the moment I picked up your book up until I laid it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." - Groucho Marx
'One of the tests for prospective obstetricians was provided by a life-size
papier mache model of half the female trunk, into which a straw-stuffed baby
was slipped through a trapdoor. The candidate was then provided with a pair
of obstretical forceps and required to deliver it. Benskin solemnly applied
the two blades to the head and gave a strong pull. Nothing happened. He pulled
harder, his feet slipped on the polished floor, and over his head flew mother,
baby, forceps and all.
'The examiner picked up one blade of the forceps and handed it to him. "Now
hit the father with that," he said sourly, "and you'll have killed the whole
bloody family."'