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A. Various Jokes What city has the largest rodent population? Hamsterdam. What is green and red and goes around in a blender at 90 mph? A frog in a blender. What do you get from all of this? Frognog. How did Colonel Sanders die? He choked on his fingers. What goes "Ha, ha, ha, plop"? A man laughing his head off. What did the painter say to the wall? "One more crack and I'll plaster you!" What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner. What do you get when you drop boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies. What did the alien dandelion say to the Earth dandelion? "Take me to your weeder!" What is the gambler's heaven? Paradice. What did the kids say when they saw Dr. Jekyll the Truant Officer coming? "Hyde! It's Dr. Jekyll!" What does a spy do when he gets cold? He goes undercover. How do you change tires on a duck? With a quackerjack. What did the guitar say to the musician? "Pick on someone your own size!" What is Batman's religion? Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha. What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis? A hoarse doctor. What are tired Army clothes? Fatigues. What's a chimney sweep's most common ailment? The flue. What did Tarzan say to his wife? "Jane, it's a jungle out there!" Where does McDonald's get its burgers from? Macau. How can sea captains use amphibians? As froghorns. What did the kid say when his mother poured oatmeal on him? "How can you be so gruel?" What part of a cemetery is best for burying guns? The muzzleum. Where is Venice located? In Venice-zuela. What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred. What is the electrician's favourite Christmas carol? "The Twelve Days of Christmas" because of the partridge in ampere tree. What is a centrifuge? A place where 100 people hide. What is copper nitrate? Overtime for policemen. How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? When his drill slipped. Where are whales weighed? At a whale weigh station. Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives. What happens to illegally parked frogs? They get toad away. What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A Chopin Liszt. What jumps from cake to cake and smells of almonds? Tarzipan. What do you get when you put the pictures of the Kings of Russia on a flag? The Tsar-Spangled Banner. What's the motto of the ghoul's convention? The morgue the merrier. What grows up while growing down? A goose. What are half-sized quartz watches? Pintz watches. What did Godzilla say after eating a four-cylinder Datsun? "Gosh, I could have had a V-8!" How did Hitler tie his laces? In little Nazis. Where did the king put his armies? In his sleevies. What's a cow eating grass? A lawn mooer. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. Why isn't whispering permitted in class? Because it's not aloud. How many sides does a circle have? Two: an inside and an outside. What's a three-season bed? One without a spring. What's Irish and sits in the sun? Paddy O'Furniture. How do you tickle a rich girl? Say "Gucci Gucci Gucci!" What do you call a man who drinks and falls off his horse? The wine-stoned cowboy. What's the similarity between a blacksmith and a counterfeiter? They're into forgery. Why don't sharks eat divorce lawyers? Professional courtesy. What is a newly hatched beetle? A baby buggy. What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny. Including Rudolph, how many reindeer does Santa have? Ten: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph and Olive. Olive? Yes, Olive the Other Reindeer. What cruises down the riverbed at 60 mph? A motorpike with two side carps. What do you give a person with water on the brain? A tap on the head. What do you call it when a walrus eats 1000 clams? A calamity. Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity. What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away. What colour is a belch? Burple. If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? A bagel. Why are there no floods in Paris? Because the water is always l'eau. Why are meteorologists always nervous? Their future is always up in the air. Why do people who throw away feather pillows get depressed? Their down is in the dumps. Why did the blonde throw butter out a window? She wanted to see a butterfly. What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? A hardened criminal. B. Assorted Puns How about the man who ran through a screen door? He strained himself. A male snake charmer married a female undertaker. Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse". Hands are like bells, especially when they're wrung. Never give your uncle an anteater. Cannibals like to meat people. Addition in a dark restaurant is "dim sum" Some valleys are absolutely gorges. Camels live in Camelfornia. In some places fog will never be mist. Rust is edible. After all, it is a form of car-rot. One can tell that a tree is nomadic when it packs up its trunk and leaves. Concerning Chinese tobacco: Many men smoke, but Fu Manchu. Confucious say man standing on toilet is high on pot. Some people say my puns are sleep-inducing, but I keep laudanum anyways. One day the wind stopped blowing in Chicago and everyone fell down. When the Lord said, "Go forth, be fruitful and multiply!" He didn't necessarily have Math teachers in mind. "Have you got bills to pay? If you have, please give it back, he looks silly bald." (Laugh-In) One who does magic tricks with bandages is a wizard of gauze. The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled. The Irish government is wealthy because its capital is always Dublin. We ought to rename summer "pride" because pride cometh before the fall. If life is like a bowl of cherries, what's the raisin for living? Plug a pizza in the socket and get a pizza delight. The sheep rustler who broke out of jail is now on the lam. The Hand family consists of 10 electricians. Their motto is "Many Hands make light work." Spanish bullfighters use Oil of Ol face cream to beat wrinkles. Read the history of electronics of Biblical proportions: Solomon and Toshiba! "Doctor, doctor! Some days I think I'm a teepee, others I think I'm a wigwam! What do I do?" "Relax, you're too tents." "Doctor, doctor! Birds keep building nests in my horses' manes! What should I do?" "Sprinkle yeast on them and call me in the morning." "But why?" "Yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet!" Once upon a time, a tribe of cannibals caught a saint sent to them as a missionary and ate him. He was very tender and tasty, yet they were all violently sick afterwards. It shows that you can't keep a good man down. You can have too much of a good thing, but since most people think puns are not good things, they can't have too many of them! An expert farmer is outstanding in her field. An incompetent ship captain grounds the warship he walks on. Did you hear about the optician? Two glasses and he made a spectacle of himself. When the little boy was caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he said "I needed help with my homework." The reason: "God helps those who help themselves." A story about a pony on the pampas could be called "Little Horse on the Prairie". A man hit another on the head with a pop bottle, killing him. In court, he claimed he was influenced by the song "Let's Get Fizzy-Kill". How about the bear that was hit by an 18-wheeler and splattered all over the place? They said it was a grizzly accident. From: nancy.carson@alsbbs.org (Nancy Carson) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: RIDDLES (Part 1) Date: Mon, 12 Feb 1996 00:31:00 GMT Organization: Al's BBS Orlando Fl -What goes up into the air white and comes down yellow and white? An egg. -What do you call a frightened skindiver? Chicken of the sea. -What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma has a pause at the end of its clause. -What's the longest piece of furniture in the world? The multiplication table. -What kind of coat can be put on only when wet? A coat of paint. -Why do cows wear cowbells? Because their horns don't work. -How can a leopard change his spots? By moving. -What turns without moving? Milk. It can turn sour. -When does a boat show affection? When it hugs the shore. -When you lose something, why do you always find it in the last place you look? Because you stop looking as soon as you find it. -Where does a jellyfish get its jelly? From ocean currents. -If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather, what does he raise in wet weather? An umbrella. -What did the razor blade say to the razor? Schick 'em up! -What four letters could end a game of hide and seek. O - I - C - U. -Why is your hand similar to a hardware store? Because it has nails. -What day of the year is a command to go forward? March 4th. -Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself. -Why did the little fella sleep on the chandelier? Because he was a light sleeper. -Why are rivers always rich? Because they have two banks. -What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.